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Back on Track

Starry night

That night when the stars glimmered beautifully from the sky, I asked God for the rain to come, but it didn’t.

“Maybe there’s life outside the universe” – one thought that almost change the course of my sail. I was born in a devout Christian family. And yes, I’m part of that community who raises their hands when they praise, and claps after a pious prayer. People from different crowds obviously find that somewhat bizarre but to tell you bluntly, I felt the same way too.

I grew up knowing about Christ. I grew up by the tradition of praying before doing mostly everything in a day, and I did all those without understanding why. All I knew back then was I had to for that was what good kids do, and I was a good kid.

I abided by the rules. Day in day out, I kept in mind what I was supposed to do until I was tired and fed up and began to question everything, starting from my mere existence to God’s divine existence.

“What if all my life, all I had believed in was a lie? What if God is not real and I only believed in Him because I was forced to? Or what if Jesus was actually a fraud?”

All day, I searched for answers but every answer led me to another question.

My faith subsequently died. I was almost certain that God was only created by man. I even considered to stop attending church, but of course, I didn’t. My ideology shall not be discovered by my family. They can’t embrace such thought, so I kept it hidden in the deepest part of my muddled heart. Still, I didn’t change my way of living because months of doubt can’t fully wash away the faith in my heart that was built for 14 years.

“What if all my life, all I had believed in was a lie? What if God is not real and I only believed in Him because I was forced to? Or what if Jesus was actually a fraud?”

Like I said, I was tired, exhausted and defeated. I hankered for peace, to stop confusing myself with my disturbing thoughts; so for the last time, I decided to talk to God again.
As the mass went on with the litany of repentance, I prayed on my own. As other people honor God, I was questioning His existence.

I looked outside and caught the glimpse of the moon and saw how magnificent it was and said, “God, if you’re real, cover that moon and those stars with clouds and make it rain tonight. If it didn’t, this time God, I’m willing to let you go.” This simple request turned to almost begging, to a desperate plea, until I realized that my faith still had a stronghold in me.

I grew up knowing ‘about’ Christ, not truly ‘knowing’ Him. There’s a huge difference in hearing His Name and seeing His deeds with actually experiencing the full capacity of His love. The rules I lived on, I set them myself. I followed those out of fear, not love. And maybe, I wasn’t really good; I am a bad child. I undeniably debriefed my Father’s love for me and doubted His greatness because of my destitute knowledge about the world.

“There’s life outside the universe, it’s called ‘heaven’.” – one thought that I will hold onto for the rest of my voyage. I was born in a Christian family; I died, but was born again. And yes, it might seem weird, but nobody, neither I, could fully fathom that feeling whenever I’m reaching out my hands to heaven, I feel like I’m holding God’s hand.

That night when the stars glimmered beautifully from the sky, I asked God for the rain to come, and it did – it poured from my eyes.

DISCLAIMER: This article was originally published at Engineering Spectrum, the Official Publication of PUP College of Engineering

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