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Uncertain

Falling in love for the first time

I woke up that morning and realized that I like you.

I’ve been praying a lot lately asking God for wisdom and control. I was never used to being out of control. These days for me were the worst days I’ve been through, but for some reason I’ve learned how not to care. And maybe I have to say my thanks to you. Apparently, you have turned my world around and now I feel like losing my axis was rather peaceful than fearful.

In every second that passes by, I can’t help but remember you. I would think of all the things that happened to me, record everything, so when I lost all thoughts while we talk, there’s something I could do to prolong our conversation. But, I was never successful. With you, all the things I could think of always evaporate in my head. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t.

Every moment, I would ask myself; “what is this feeling and why I can’t control it”. Every moment, I would ask God to guide me. Every moment, I would think of ways to get you out of my mind. Every moment, I would fail.

Now, I am being uncertain. I hate myself for being uncertain. I am a girl with a plan. I am a girl with a schedule to follow. I am a girl who sits only in safe places to face no risk. I am a girl who loves control, for I am a girl who never lose control in any situation.

But now, all the things around me seemed to go against my will but I would be reminded of the reason why I am happy, the reason which shows me that every failure is a moment to cherish, the reason which keeps me to perceive the world as wonderful and beautiful, the reason which tells me let go, the reason which makes me realize that the world is out of my control and the reason which I should have hate, but I couldn’t and I wouldn’t; that reason is you.

You are out of my control, you are not something I could hold and keep in my pocket, you are not. You are as free as you could be, like the sky which reminds me of the love and power of God.

You are as beautiful as the hope I see in every rising of the sun. You are as enchanting as the emotions being portrayed with the playful colors of the clouds in every setting of the sun. Above all, you are as alluring as the glimmer of the diamonds in the darkness of the night, reminding me that there is hope in every fall, and you are out there waiting to be noticed even there are times I am blinded by the rays of the sun.

I want you to be happy. I want you to achieve your dreams. I want you to fly as high as you could be. I want you to feel freedom in everything. I want you to be who you want to be. And I want you… to remember me.

I want to be a part of your memory. Someone that you would be happy to remember. Someone you would miss from time to time. Though this sounds selfish, that’s all I ask.

I want you to be happy. I want you to achieve your dreams. I want you to fly as high as you could be. I want you to feel freedom in everything. I want you to be who you want to be. And I want you… to remember me.

I want the stars to remind you that I existed in your life. I want the clouds to remind you that I once had been part of your life. I don’t have to be part of the future you are looking forward to. I don’t have to be someone you would wake up in the morning, and drink a cup of coffee while patiently waiting for the sunrise. I don’t have to be someone who would sit next to you watching the setting of the sun and feeling the warm breeze of the ocean. I don’t have to be the person with whom you would connect the stars at night, lying over the sand of the sea under the mesmerizing moon light. I don’t have to be.

I just want to be part of your past. A past you couldn’t escape. A past you would remember from time to time, a happy memory that you would keep in a very special place in your mind. That’s all I needed; and that’s all I’ve been praying for each night. That’s all.

Waking up this morning and realizing that you are all I could think about makes my heart stop beating. Do I simply like you?

Uncertain. I hate it.

 

Disclaimer: This article was first published by The Engineering SPECTRUM, the official publication of PUP College of Engineering.

2 thoughts on “Uncertain

  1. I loved this article. It validates what love has felt like to me. I loved an unavailable person (I too am unavailable) and I have suffered a great deal, and endured much fear for the personal toll it has taken on me. Life is so messy and so painful at times.

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